Hello 30!

Anyone who knows me knows that I've been dreading aging since I turned 21. I had a great 21st birthday. I was living in the south of France after spending a month backpacking through the United Kingdom. I had new friends, a carefree non-committal attitude and the weather was still warm outside! On the night of my birthday we returned home from an evening out on the town, I entered my roommate's bedroom crying. When she asked "what's up?" I sobbed "I don't want to turn 22!" 

I somehow toughened up and fell in love with my twenties. So much so that I didn't want to leave them. Yet, I've been negatively anticipating 30 since I turned 28 and I've been actively dreading it since my 29th birthday. As the "big" day drew closer the dread grew. I made myself miserable! I didn't sleep at all the night before my birthday. 

And then all of a sudden I was 30. Just like that. The birthday messages and texts started at 2am and carried on throughout the day. I was showered with gifts and cards and so much love - to the point that I was shaken by how much life I'd overlooked, masked by my dread. I started to reminisce about my twenties. I thought I was fat, looking older, getting grey hairs (that is actually a fact), not successful enough, "behind" my peers. Let's just say I beat myself up. Then I realized my biggest fear with turning 30 wasn't the age, it was the realization that life is speeding up and time is moving faster. I began to think about my twenties differently. I wasn't old or fat or failing. I was a twenty-something figuring it out as I went along. And now I'm a thirty-something figuring it out as I go along.  So, what's the difference between 20s and 30s to me? This time, I don't want to rush, push myself to be something I'm not, or find any other excuse in the book to not love every single day as it comes. 

I want to live my 30s and never take one day for granted. I want to know that I'm not old, 'cause I'm not. And I'm not wrinkled or fat or "behind." I'm just a person in her 30s still figuring it out and I'm okay with that. 

Am I Still Free?

And I'm proud to be an American

Where at least I know I'm Free 

And I won't forget the men who died

To give that right to me 

When I was nine years old we studied American history in the public schools. We talked about how we were formed, how people migrated from all parts of the world, that we fought for our freedom and how our founding fathers wanted this land to be the place people could come to be free from persecution. The text book described America as a "melting pot" and that was a good thing. It said that because we had so many different types of people we were full of many perceptions and opinions and that was what helped us succeed. I remember reading that chapter and feeling proud. I was proud to come from such a remarkable place. I was proud that people wanted to live in this country. I was proud to be American. 

Today I've turned off CNN. I've stopped looking at Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I can't watch. I can't stand all the hate. There's discrimination against Muslims, gays, black people, brown people and on and on the list grows. The hate is so strong we feel we are "right" to kill to protect our views. We've stopped  listening to the other sides of the argument. We've stopped caring for others. It breaks my heart. 

So I have to ask. What is it going to take to let all the pain, fear and hate go? Each time we belittle each other, voice a hateful or discriminatory remark, feel like violence is the only answer and stop listening to others opinions we are forgetting all the men who died to give us the voice that makes us free. 

My mother taught me that I might not always like someone but I have to respect them. When are we going to start teaching how great it is to be a melting pot again? 

Let's stop making excuses, put down the guns, stop pushing our own opinions and start treating people like humans again! You might be surprised who you end up liking.